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| Tim Posada/Beverly Press |
What is “safari casual?” This question haunts me on Saturday, May 19, while standing next to a bar outside the Los Angeles Zoo, where Kettle One Vodka and Hendrick’s Gin are the well options and corns dogs have lobster inside. A whole lot of khakis, a dash of animal print, even Jungle Jack Hanna still rocking the same light-tan cargo pants and collared shirt, complete with the signature outback hat, he’s worn for decades. At least my wife Julie gets it, according to one Los Angeles Zoo PR rep, who asks her to pose in her gray leopard-print dress for a social media collage answering my initial question.
Welcome to the Beastly Ball, a major event hosted by the Greater Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Garden, running for 48 years now, “the liveliest ball in town,” says Connie Morgan, president of the Greater Los Angeles Association, or GLAZA.
Don’t let the sloth hanging on a branch near the main gate confuse you, Morgan’s idea of “lively” means something more lavish, made clear by several performers from Unifier Entertainment, a San Diego-based creative performance operation, dressed as stylized animals, like a couple colorful anteaters on stilts that feel less like human-animal-fashionista hybrids and more what happens when a “Sesame Street” character summers as a Crow Fisher from “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Did I forget to mention the woman in a zebra-themed, skin-tight outfit enclosed in a gold-bar contraption that roles around with complimentary champagne?
The cheapest ticket goes for $1,500 a head, but for a mere $250,000 you get 20 tickets and perks like premiere concert seating and the naming rights for “a select L.A. Zoo animal.” Many familiar Hollywood names appear as trustees and honorary committee members who support the zoo, including Betty White, Lance Bass, Slash and even Jackie Chan, whom I desperately wish I could thank in person for “Rumble in the Bronx.”
But this isn’t just about the bells and whistles a ball offers. Scheduling it so close to Endangered Species Day, May 18, was a conscious choice, Connie Morgan makes clear.
“We are all about endangered species at the zoo,” she told The New York Times. “We work every day to save species across the Earth.”
In particular, she notes the L.A. Zoo’s efforts to save the California condor, growing the number from 22 to 460, in part, by breeding on site. The condor is also an important topic for zookeeper and TV personality Jack Hanna, this year’s recipient of the Tom Mankiewicz Leadership Award, named after the famous screenwriter – “Superman,” “The Man with the Golden Gun” – and conservationist who served as GLAZA chair before he died in 2010.
For Hanna, who at 71 still conducts more than 30 speaking engagements a year, “eduction is my number one goal,” he says. He sees zoos – what he considers “arks of the world” – as pathways to an emotional connection that will eventually lead people to supporting conservation.
“If this zoo and the Columbus Zoo can’t touch the heart and teach the mind, then the animal world is gonna have some problems,” says Hanna, who serves as director emeritus of the Columbus Zoo and Aquarium in Ohio. “That’s why I’ve been in the zoo business since 1959 when I cleaned cages at the Knoxville Zoo. I said I’d be a zookeeper some day, and, by God, I lived my dream.”
“If you can’t see something, how are you gonna save something,” he says. “And then some people would tell me, ‘well Jack, people can just watch your show.’ No, I’d rather they go to the zoo. Forget my show — put it in the garbage can. I want you to go there and see the living thing, smell the living thing, feel it.”
Beyond zookeeper, everything is secondary, including his award at the Beastly Ball.
“I didn’t come here for the award,” he says, instead highlighting his support for Betty White, a member of the zoo’s board since 1974, and zoo general manager John Lewis. Though his speech later on is entirely thankful, if less raw (kind of).
With introductions out of the way, the wife and I see what the Beastly Ball has to offer. The a shuttle awaits. Once we arrive in the heart of the zoo, appetizers taunt us. Chorizo straddle with pablano aoili drizzled on top, Korean beef tartare, grilled octopus on avocado and heirloom tomato, strawberry and cottage cheese on a cracker. Ignore the giant otters exhibit to the left – I’m here for the food. Greek meatballs topped with pine nuts, pomegranates, chermoula and parsley from Momed, located in Los Angeles and Beverly Hills; sweet tamales glazed with a rich brown mole sauce from L.A.’s El Cholo; beef bourguignon neighboring macaroni and cheese from Taix French Restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
Need a drink? Cocktail stations appear at every major stop, helping you remain loose, ready to open those checkbooks so the zoo can reach its donation goal, $1.5 million, which Morgan confirms is met by the end of evening at 11:15 p.m.
But if cranberry vodkas or fuzzy navels feel too mundane for an event that features performers dressed like extras from “Cats,” the drink you seek is a special mix from Viva XXXII Tequila: “fresh lime, agave, blood orange juice, sage leaves, soda water” and of course some Viva, which is an official sponsor of the event. Ten percent of Viva’s proceeds goes to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, marketing head Mariana Weber tells me. So get smashed for a cause, the best kind of buzz (my words, not hers).
I make a point to eat everything, while my wife Julie enjoys a more conservative approach. We adore the sweet, delectable pulled pork sandwiches from the Federal Bar, with locations in North Hollywood and Long Beach – the bruschetta ain’t bad either. Sorry Milk and Eggs, however, I skip the pita, hummus and veggies. I love you, but I’m saving myself for another. Same with Celestino. No offense meant. I’m easily distracted by the great horned owl Courtney from animal care shows off.
But for my money — that’s more a figure of speech since all food and drinks are included — the Dungeness crab taquitos served right outside the zoo’s Cafe Pico take the night, compliments of in-house staff. Those suckers and their good friends, the albacore tostada and the shrimp taco, are the perfect munchies to compliment a few Viva drinks.
After those savory treats, why not feed krill in water to some 1-year-old flamingos or get up close and personal with an echidna, a small type of anteater?
Nearby, Crystal from animal care leads us in a “scavenger hunt stop,” one of many stations, designed to educate along the way. This one covers the blue-billed curassow, but our specialist normally takes care of the Brazilian ocelot in the neighboring enclosure. The creature’s name “comes from the Aztec word ‘tlalocelotl,’ which means ‘field tiger,’” an informative sign reads. This little guy is quite aggressive, Crystal makes clear, noting he even lost his tale to his father since the species tend to favor isolation, only commingling on feline Valentine’s Day to breed.
On our way to more food and even more drinks, we bid ado to squirrel monkey, king vulture, giant anteater, and spectated owl. And then there’s the silent-online auction. Bid on a Slash-signed guitar, another by the whole band, Clippers floor seats, a LASIK procedure or a shuttle tour with astronaut Garrett Reisman. That last one goes for $827. The Guns N’ Roses guitar fetches $6,250.
As we pass a cheetah pacing back and forth – a sign the current its habitat is too small, Julie points out – I recall something Jack Hanna emphases earlier.
“The biggest problem we have in the animal world right now is overpopulation. It’s that simple,” he says. “The animals today are getting habituated, used to you. They’re doing the best they can to survive, and we’re doing the best we can to help them. Our country, to me, is all controlled environments: state parks, federal parks. We’re trying the best we can.”
Hanna knows zoos have their problems, but saw in his own zoo in Ohio, where he became director in 1972, a chance to make things better.
“If I thought anything was wrong with zoos, I wouldn’t be in the business,” he says.
More food. This time, a lobster corn dogs. “Genius,” a nearby patron reacts. Next door, two female elephants, Tina and Jewel, have been together for four decades.
“Look at them – they’re the cutest little ladies,” my wife Julie says.
We then come to a new highlight, sesame kale tuna salad, lightly salted with parmesan cheese on top, compliments of Bottlefish in Brentwood. This is Julie’s favorite. I’m not far behind. I might be full, but I must try the pork from Malbec Argentinian Cuisine, and no amount of Madagascar hissing cockroaches on display nearby will stop me.
It’s time for dessert and the concert, but first, petting a 30-year-old shingleback skink with an eye problem seems like a good pallet cleanser. The handheld lizard’s from the land down under.
“Australia has some crazy crap,” says one random guy. Thanks Mr. Rando. You’re my hero. We high-five. (He didn’t say “crap”).
After the gopher snake and desert tortoise on display comes mini Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Sugar Babies cupcakes and Dippin’ Dots’ unique type of ice cream – throw in root beer and/or a shot of Jack for good measure. Four (probably five or six) doughnuts and Dots floors me. I have a vodka soda with lime to calm my stomach and take my seat to rest after walking 4,000 steps from the front gate to the Concert for Conservation, according to my trusty FitBit.
Before Slash and Nancy Wilson from rock band Heart take the stage, Jack Hanna speaks. At first, he’s much more scripted than earlier until he tells a splendid story about trying to convince his wife to breastfeed a chimpanzee he can’t get to eat when he lived in Tennessee with his wife Suzi Egli and two kids at the time (yes, this is true).
“I’m trying to feed the thing a bottle, and Su’s sitting in the corner of the cabin and breastfeeding Suzanne, my second daughter,” he says. “And her chimp is eating everything, and my chimp won’t. All I did was, I looked up like this, I went, ‘No way, Jack.’ I’ll tell you the rest of the story. Let me have a beer, and I’ll finish later.”
That sets the tone for auctioneer Billy Harris, who talks like Patton Oswald, but rocks a shining red and black suit that makes him look like “a homeless Buddy Holly,” says Joel McHale, former host of E!’s “The Soup,” later in the evening.
Three items are up for bid. Item No. 1: throwing the first pitch at a Dodgers game. $7,500. Done.
Next, the artwork featured on all the tote bags given to attendees, a piece by local artist Ruben Rojas and French street artist PolarBear entitled, “Love Thy Neighbor: Elephant.” That’s not all. It comes with a reception and “paint party” with the elephants.
excited and honored to be supporting The Greater Los Angeles Zoo Association's Beastly Ball 2018 😎 silent auction now live: https://t.co/2vXKJE2tjJhttps://t.co/8rkfYgTwwK— Mark Maryanovich (@markmaryanovich) May 18, 2018
Rojas, an L.A. native living in Santa Monica, has an unusual background with a formal education in pre-mad and job as a financial planner. Four years ago he began work with murals before painting two “Love Thy Neighbor” murals for the L.A. Zoo after developing the piece with his co-creator in Paris.
“I love collaborating,” he says. “I’m probably one of the few who loves collaborating as much as I do. If I can give my all, and they can give their all, and we can create a better piece.”
It’s a good think he likes “collaboration,” since he originally signed on to create one mural, but by the end of the auction, Harris convinced two buyers to each pay $20,000 for separate elephant parties and artworks.
Finally, several masters of cuisine, including “Top Chef” winner Michael Voltaggio and the founders of Thug Kitchen, will prepare a feast for an event hosted by Joel McHale, star of Netflix’s “The Joel McHale Show with Joel McHale.” You also get a $100 gift card to Whole Foods, which Harris, points out “won’t do anything.”
To help sell the experience, McHale appears on stage, revising the original number of guests from 10 to 12 and doubling the gift card (so enough for a head of lettuce and olive oil).
“I was on basic cable, so there,” McHale yells, adding another $100 to Whole Foods. “There will be napkins and plates and silverware.”
Now we are at 14 guests.
“I was in ‘Spy Kids 4,’” he says.
A bid for $27,000. Another for $28,000. Jump to $30,000.
Harris shushes McHale and convinces both bidders to each pay $30,000. They agree. $60,000 total.
The evening winds down with the Concert for Conservation, the second time it’s held as part of the official festivities, Connie Morgan says. Various acts perform in an elongated jam session that melts into one grandiose encore performance: Slash, Wilson, “American Idol’s” Haley Reinhart and steel guitarist Robert Randolph, who’s got more style in one outfit than my entire Target wardrobe could ever hope to match. It’s a hot mess, the kind that liquifies into the perfect dissonant notes to end this evening.
Now, where do I pick up my complimentary pet otter?
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